5 years later

i don't fancy myself to be a writer with enough experience, insight and infinite wisdom to write, head-on, about 911. but i have had the experience of being in nyc on that unpleasantly beautiful day 5 years ago, and my own experience, or elements of it, is something that i do have the credentials to write about.

i was 24 on sept 11, 2003. that sounds like a very young age to me. i didn't realize how young i was at the time.

i had been called onto jury duty that morning, so i was quite close to the twin towers when the planes hit. i ended up getting out of having to serve, for the time being. when i left the court house, people were running by quite frantically and i really didn't know what was going on. I had just gotten a cell phone...back then, having one still wasn't a right of entry into modern life. i received a message from my sister asking me if i was alright, and i remember her saying how crazy it all was. i didnt have service and couln't call her back, and frankly i just wasn't clear on what she was referring to.

i found out soon enough what had happened, but i am not sure the magnitude of the situation really hit me until the two towers collapsed. and even then, not so much as it hits me now. truth be told, i had never given the twin towers any thought whatsoever before that point in time. in hindsight, i lived in a bubble. i probably still do. sometimes it is only when something disappears that you realize what you missed.

i didn't know where to go, so i walked north. back to my office, on hudson and houston. i remember stopping to pause on canal street, and i remember feeling like i was in a Die Hard movie. the towers looked like flaming candles and there was sirens and chaos on the streets. there was a car pulled over onto the side of the road with doors open, so that everyone could hear the news report. a black woman next to me sobbed "its terrorists!". still, nothing really sunk in.

back at the office, i made the necessary call to my parents to let them know that i was ok (sister was with them). for some reason my landline worked when others did not. i later joined some people staring at the one of the TVs hanging from the hallway ceiling. our creative director at the time had installed them to try and shake things up and add some energy to the office; we were an advertising agency damn it- look alive!

so there i was, about 1 mile north of the travesty going on at the twin towers and i was watching the scene unfold on CNN. i was even facing south. i don't know if i thought it surreal or strange at the time, but when i think about 911, this is this scene that usually comes to my mind. i feel guilt, as well as a lack of comprehension, about being so close to the scene of the crime yet so visually and emotionally distanced from it. At the same time that TV provides instant access and more complete coverage, it also keeps you one step removed from reality. If you watch hard enough, it almost feels like all the bad stuff you see is not really happening, or not happening to you at least. But I would be lying if I told you that distancing myself, consciously, was a motivation. Watching the TV for the next bit of news was what occurred to me.

The rest of the day was...hard to sum up...there was a long walk north to a friend's house in hell's kitchen, to get out of the foul air and smoke downtown....there were phone calls from friends in other states....there was guilt on my part for moving forward with previously-made plans to meet up with a high school friend for dinner at the corner bistro...it was guilt for being alive, and doing things that alive people regularly do...because this wasn't a regular day. the guilt thickened when we were seated next to another guy from high school who was getting a bite before he went down with another doctor to help out at the site. but what could we do but to keep watching the screen.